How much will Kai Havertz's love for donkeys help him at Arsenal?

Kai's the Limit

Hi there,

I’m back from my summer break to the more or less regularly scheduled content now that Arsenal has officially signed a player to the squad.

Anyway, Arsenal have announced the signing of Kai Havertz.

Let’s dive into what that means for the club.

Kai Havertz will be bringing his three dogs to Arsenal. A golden retriever, a German Shepard (which might be a requirement for all German dog owners to own, looking into this), and some kind of fluffy dog that I can’t figure out its breed is, but it’s a dog so that is a win.

From my extensive research, there seems to be a direct correlation between the number of dogs owned and how well a player performs for Arsenal.

So, with Kai Havertz bringing in three dogs, and using my scientific research, we can expect Kai to have more of an impact than Alexis Sanchez did at Arsenal.

Or can we? You see, Havertz brings an added element that Ramsey nor Sanchez has. Kai Havertz loves Donkeys.

‘When I was about nine, my parents gave me a cuddly donkey for my birthday. I loved this small animal so much I told my parents someday I want to have a donkey or a farm with donkeys.

‘Then for my 17th birthday, my parents gave me a partnership with rescue donkeys. For example, donkeys that had come from the circus or the zoo and had been badly treated. You would pay money every month and then the people would get food for them and look after them. They gave me the partnership for three donkeys, and I could visit them and spend time with them.

‘One day, there was one donkey at the butcher who was eight months or nine months old, and this guy who had all the donkeys said to me ‘he’s at the butcher, can you help?’. I said of course! It all started with this donkey.

‘There are now four donkeys next to the house where my parents used to live. My parents, my sister and my grandmother are taking care of them. They are getting more and more in the next few years.’

Source: Chelsea website (ew)

Now from what I can tell, and I did genuinely research this, Kai Havertz is the only Premier League player that owns donkeys. This throws an unknown variable into the mix.

So let’s say the base Arsenal player is rated at a 5 and that every dog that the player has adds another 25% of that score onto their total impact at Arsenal. So for example, Ramsey has 1 dog, so he would have a total impact score of 6.25 given that 25% of the baseline score of 5 is 1.25. Sanchez has two dogs so his overall score would be 7.5 and finally Kai Havertz with having three dogs would have a score of 8.75 before the donkeys are calculated.

Now, to calculate the unknown variable that is his donkey, let's use the theory of Murphy’s Law which is essentially boiled down to "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." Doing a quick Google search without looking into any legitimacy of my findings, the formula for Murphy’s Law is (U+C+I) x (10-S))/20 x A x 1/(1-sin(F/10)) in which U = urgency, I = importance, C = complexity, S = skill, and F = frequency.

So using this, let’s plug in some numbers. The urgency of Havertz’s donkeys is low, according to him:

It’s a very calm animal: maybe I personalised myself in them because I’m calm too. They chill all day, don’t do much, just want to live their life.

Source: Guardian

So let’s score them at a 1 in on the urgency scale.

For importance, they are clearly important animals to Havertz, so let’s give them an 8. As for complexity, I would say this is pretty complex given that I looked up the formula to Murphy’s Law to figure out a joke idea of how much a bunch of donkeys will help Arsenal’s new signing on the pitch, so let’s mark that down as an 8.

For skill, let’s give that an 8 since he’s the only premier league player that owns donkeys. And finally, for frequency, let’s give it a 1. Those donkeys are back in Germany at his parent’s home, so he’s not seeing them often.

So, if we plug those into the formula we get (1+8+1) x (10-8))/20 x A x 1/(1-sin(1/10)) which comes out to 1.11090549 amperes. So if we add that to his score for his dog impact, Kai Havertz will have an impact of 9.86090549 at Arsenal.

Long live the donkeys,

Poorly

P.S. This was written in the style of

Edu's BBQ

and

Cannon Stats

who both do amazing jobs and use actual numbers.

Community pet drawing:

For the summer, I’ve been hosting what I’ve been calling Pet-Draw-A-Thons over on discord (it’s free.) Basically, I sit down for two hours, you submit photos in the #pet-drawing-requests channel and I draw as many as I can until my hands fall off. It’s been fun.

Olive and Velma update:

Olive finds out that Man City has backed out of the rave for Rice

Velma rests easy knowing that Man City backed out of the race for Rice.